Back in February I said to Jesse Moore that if I could hear "It's Gonna Be Okay" and not cry, then I would know that I was on the way to recovery. A couple of months later it happened and I thought that I was getting better.
Then… a relapse. I heard the song on another day and I wept like a baby (actually it was much deeper than a baby's weeping… baby's cry… a lot… but it really isn't weeping. At least not as I've seen, or as I've figured it. Weeping is reserved for big, old, weighty grown up pain). It was then that I realized I wasn't as "better" as I thought.
Yesterday was one of those kind of moments. Moving along, stumbling toward Bethlehem, not feeling great, but feeling alright, when BAM (as Emerial would say) I was hit right in the side of the face with a book… And I lost it… again.
I didn't really need to pick the book up off the shelf (frankly I find it distressing that it was ON the shelf at all, I would prefer it be one of those books that is immediately grabbed up by the first person passing by, but it didn't happen that way) and I certainly didn't need to open it up in order to see what was in it, but that's what I did anyway. Looking at those pictures (of everyone on their roofs, and Nagin with his washcloth on his head, and Bush standing there looking as clueless as ever, and Michael Brown and on, and on, and on…) it all came back; the whole last year of my life and I realized that I'm really not over it, and won't be for quite some time.
Sooner or later, it really IS gonna be okay… but, clearly, it's not okay yet.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
This ain't gonna improve your mood none!
http://www.forbes.com/technology/feeds/
ap/2006/07/27/ap2909219.html
You told me the story about that song in Atlanta when we were sitting next to each other on a couch. (Does that help with my identity?) Anyway, I didn't know the song, but I remember thinking that I wanted to tell you that you could put your head on my shoulder anytime you needed to, but didn't think you'd be comfortable with that since we'd just met that week IRL. Now listening to that song, I realize I could have said it and you would have been a perfect thing for me to say.
I found out yesterday I have a brain tumor. I think I'll need that song every once in a while, too. (Now you'll know who I am by a list serve email I'm gonna send out.) J.
Post a Comment