I wanna go HOME!

There's no way around it... this has been a shitty-ass week!

I have struggled (and I mean struggled!) with money all week, desperately trying to make up for a far lower return on work and investment during the week of my peace project in Atlanta, after STILL not receiving a large payment on a large project that should have come through but didn't, and while juggling overdue office rent and WAY overdue money to one of my best friends and best workers that even puts him in dire straits (and I DO NOT mean the band).

I have struggled with health and sleep all week as I became horribly ill on Wednesday and Thursday following the unfortunate wedding of bad fish and a lowered immune system, made doubly difficult by my new (and VERY temporary ) roomate's nocturnal meanderings and LOUD disturbances (there's a karmic thing going on here, I'm sure, but I'll be damned if I'm going to explore THAT any further).

I have struggled with relationship and meaning this week (I mean, I always struggle with such things, but it's been a doozy this week) as I continue to do battle with the good and bad angels (the daemons and demons) that were raised by my experiences in Atlanta last week and the fact that I have spent many hours this week relistening to much of that material (in order to complete that project) that moved, and disturbed, me in the first place.

Finally... more or less... I have struggled with the fact that I had intended to be in New Orleans for Tales of the Cocktail this week, a project I had worked on (the website and the audio tours) this past year and which I was introduced to last year just one week before The Thing hit... I should be in The Crescent City right now... drinking drinks, interviewing interesting people, gathering new connections and generally having a good, productive, and enjoyable time. And therein, really, lies the rub; I can't even begin to count the times in the last year when I have felt like I was in the wrong place at the right time (and vice versa). It all comes down to one thing...

I want to go HOME!

The thing is... that won't be happening for quite some time and after nearly a year of this peripatetic life I've been living I'm not only used to the wrong place right time feeling... it's only now beginning to fade as a source of self-imposed guilt regarding some sort of cosmic responsibility for bad things happening to good people.

I foresee a reality in which I will be in California for quite some time to come.

It's very clear that THIS is where I have to rebuild my life and that only AFTER having built it, grounded it, and established some kind of footing will I be able to return to New Orleans and offer help, encouragement, strength and joy... all the things that the city, and those I know and love there, bring to me. All of that is finally, after nearly a year, okay with me. I am glad to be back in proximity to my d-d-daughter, to my friends in Northern (and even Southern) California, to work I can get my hands on and plans I can get my brains around.

So the upside of this horrible week is that I am ready...really ready... to begin again. As many who know me know, I have a particular affection for finding the meaning in the recurring cycle... the circle of life, as it were. With the anniversary of my move to New Orleans hanging just on the horizon like an amazing pregnant moon (and the first anniversary of this weblog coming up in just one week), the turmoil (and the resolution) of this week was in fact relatively predictable.

I am, in fact, ready to start again... ready to work to make a difference and a change... ready to reclaim my life, my love, my heart and my soul. It may take three months, six months, even a year. Some of the plans and goals I decided on this morning will take 3, 5 and even 10 years to complete.

However, I know where I'm going...

Right now... I think I'll have another beer.