One of the ways I have been changed is not so surprising and probably realtively typical. It's corny to say, but when I heard this song on the radio this morning it made me keenly aware of the daily ways I have and do miss the boat. It's so ridiculously easy to move through your day to day life thinking of yourself, your troubles, your job, your money worries and your pet peeves. To be annoyed with the guy who cut you off in traffic, the idiot cashier who ignored you at Starbucks or the way your partner spoke to you in the wrong tone of voice. It's easy - incredibly easy - to take for granted the idea that the people you love - your friends, your parents, your children, your lover, partner, or spouse - are there and always will be. But for the people whose loved ones floated away two weeks ago, and for those, like me, whose already embattled partnerships didn't survive the tumult for less poignant and far more mundane reasons, it's important to remember the old saying about the fact that nobody died wishing they had spent more time at the office.
I suspect nobody died wishing they had just one more argument either.
We are a species that likes to fight. People, in general, find it necessary to grapple, argue and defend, territories, positions, and perceived treasure. But after two weeks of my own loneliness and too many hours of watching other's pain, I am ready - after 51 years - to give up the damn fight.
I don't feel badly about the ways I was an asshole when I was a teenager. Teenagers suffer from the ridiculous assumption that they know everything and others know nothing. It's their nature. They are not to be blamed for fulfilling their nature. I don't feel bad about how I behaved at 17.
What I do feel bad about is the remaining 33 years of my life, years when I argued, yelled and screamed at my friends, my enemies, my parents, my kids, my lovers and the guy in the car next to me at the stop light. What I do feel bad about is the ways I forgot to say, "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" or "I'm proud of you" or "Thanks" or "I love you more than I can possible say."
My life has been filled... absolutely FILLED... with lovely wonderful moments, with deep caring, fabulous conversations, good jokes, great parties, fun times and LOVE. I am more thankful for all those times... and to everyone one of you who gave them to me and shared them with me. I'm sorry for not being more grateful, for not being more thoughtful and for not being better at my job. The job of being a human being.
I Love You... ALL... Always.
1 comment:
You must know that the love you have is reciprocated. Right back at you...Its is a gift. en
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